#SECURECPC x TOKYO DRIFT COLLAB
We must confess, we've had you duped. We click-baited you with our Instagram, with our Facebook, with our friends and family members sharing this page. Because if you would actually like to relive the night, or perhaps witness it for the first time ever, we must direct you to the works of Simon Atkinson & Daniel Bovalino / VTWO. If you're here to see what a couple of guys who showed up late because they were at work, wore moccasins through the Melbourne CBD and spent too much time at the food trucks did, then read ahead you're exactly in the right place...how on earth did you find us?
I: COURSE PREVIEW
As for the course? Well we could say that you start at the bottom and work your way up ten odd storeys worth of car parking before having to get the lift back down. We could also say that you'll be doing an awful lot of turning right again and again. And we could say that it takes until about level 4 before your legs start burning. But we won't say that. Because nothing will describe the course as well as these two pieces of seminal video content nay it must be called ART. The only thing that we could possibly add is that the folks at Melbourne Cycling League are seriously the best guys for coming up with this idea. Revolutionary. We can't wait till next time when we set up a party corner at car park space number 4 2 0.
II: TOP TO BOTTOM
There wasDJ spinning hella beats to rival those situated at Rapha corners at all these other events, food trucks, twist and turns. In the middle there was a strange eeriness, a strange silence. It was as if you were riding through Canberra* on a Sunday morning, with the occasional pair of cyclists hammering their way up the car park in exuberant fashion. Simon Atkinson was taking photos in that iconic style he knows so well, and a very stylish Italian man was spotted shooting some video, later identified as fellow resident of "the neighbourhood" Dan Bovalino.There were a number of women who were doing it in a dress all in the name of helping out young girls in Africa. There were thrills, unfortunate ambulance requiring spills, and after climbing all those floors with only the occasional fluorescent light and your fierce/rabid opponent as your only friend you shot through the dark and into the light at Cycling Tips corner as you hit the finish line.
III: THE GAIN TRAIN
Being lean is only one part of the journey. You can consider this the first announcement of a new, ongoing series of super important insights into the world of the gain train. Why? Because your aerodynamic bike, your time trial position, and your cardio is only as good as the power those quads and those baby cows can output. Thus, Harry gives us a brief and makeshift view into the world of the gain train. More to follow, we promise.
A definitive guide to the gain train for basic bitches and all natty brah's.
- Eat a high protein (1g/lb body weight) high fat (dense calories) vegains diet rich in whole chickens, $40 McDonalds orders, jack fruit smoothies, and rare delicacies from food trucks located at bicycle races.
- Sleep 8 hours every night, dream of the gains you made the previous day, and about the gains you're gonna make.
- Progressively overload your training and eat at a caloric surplus. Watch the gains pile on, and the muscles grow. Soon you can be like me and won't need Photoshop to look this good.
- 20. You're gonna need some leafy greens to help digest all that chicken.
Considering the bicycle racers were racing up a carpark, thus a lot of corners requiring pinpoint navigation on the way up...you would think there would be a lot of #cornerlikecaseystoner action out and about. No doubt that there was, but not even we counted on getting distracted so easily by the beats being pumped down at the start, Cycling Maven filming his vlog with us in the lift, and the sudden discovery of food trucks. Fortunately the action that we did cop provided us with some stellar results, and whilst it is close between these two standouts we are giving the now retrospective #cornerlikecaseystoner of the Secure CPC to old mate on the right donning the Kern Cycling kit. In terms of angularity they are possibly quite similar, but what gets him over the line is the fact we're pretty sure we heard helmet kissing that inside pillar. Whilst we thoroughly respect the pushing of boundaries in order to win these prestigious awards, please don't go doing anything dumb for us, we were hoping to keep our first scandal for at least the next TDU.
V: OUR VERY FIRST PIECE OF PRO BUT AMATEUR RACE REPORTAGE
Bless him, our very own Don took on the car park race fresh from a trip to the local forest. He willingly battled on through the cold and a number of worthy opponents to finish 13th overall. He was kind enough to offer our readers a deep insight into what it takes to prepare, and race up carparks on your bicycle.
The decision to race the Secure CPC was made relatively easily. I had been talking shit to Adrian about the countless cars that I dropped in the CBD and Adrian called me out and he suggested I race the Secure CPC. I said I’d think about it, but in the space of a week I decided 100% I’d race, when on one fine evening Adrian hand delivered our coveted Soup Boys kit to me whilst seated outside The Merry Well. Downing a marvelous burger, and staring longingly at the new kit that would soon adorn my decolletage, a race strategy was devised. It was blindingly simple:
- Have some serious fast legs
- Always, ALWAYS #cornerlikecaseystoner
- Make sure you don't get dropped
Despite the fact Adrian knew, I never found out where the race was. I planned to train in it beforehand. I even did a few rides around the city to look for it, but I never found it. I didn’t see the course until I was about to race it. There was only one thing I knew for sure, that it was in a carpark. So I trained in a 17-or-so level car park near the World Trade Centre, coincidentally a stonesthrow from where the race would actually take place. Plugged into my ears, on repeat, for each carpark rep was Daft Punk’s Tron soundtrack.
On arrival to the Secure CPC It was almost a scene out of Tokyo Drift, except to my disappointment, the lack of drift. That was until we saw our friends Troy and Ben from Skid.cc who for the entirety of the night delighted audiences with their rubber burning and fast riding skills. When I finally got a look at the course, over the bunches of people and racers, I realised something. I had been training in a car park that was a left-hand turn. Like the cruel joke that is trying to drive on the wrong side of the road in the US, this Flinders Lane Secure carpark was a right hand turn. Fuck me, right?
The hardest part of the course was the first 100 or so metres. It seemed to be the part with the most incline and the most importance. If you were ahead at the first corner, you just had to work on staying ahead. If you were behind, you gon’ be workin’ hard boi! The corners were wide and comfortable enough to fly into @ 30km/h+ (If you dared). The best corner of the race, with the best #cornerlikecasey stoner action was the Cycling Tips corner. You saw “Level 9” on the wall, it went dark and all you could see was flashing orange lights as you came flying around the corner and unleashed your sprint for the final 50m of the race. The crowds were lively. The racers were fast.
After overcoming pre-race anxieties and a burnt mouth caused by a boiling long black (remedied by mixing in some electrolyte drink to cool it down), we did alright. When Adrian and I first spoke of the race, we decided making it through the first heat would be an honourable result. We achieved this goal and beat the first heat’s time by 15 seconds, plotting myself and the Soup Boys at a respectful 13th place.
The good news is we were not dropped. Our legacy lives on. And Melbourne Cycling League can look forward to seeing us attend the next Carpark Climb.
We thought we’d use this race to create our own “win-tunnel” as the folks at Specialized like to call it. We conducted our own experiment and are excited to share the results. Don had little time to actually prepare and train for the Secure CPC. We knew we needed a miracle, Dr. Ferrari or some serious #marginalgains as the folks at Team Sky like to say. We tested different forms of Instagram doping and tell you how they stacked up.
We knew we had to be fast on the Secure CPC. Fast, explosive legs that could propel you out of the corners. Don wore and trained in Banana socks for the carb boost and raced in lightning bolt socks. Did it work? Fuck yeah it did.
Red is the fastest colour. We know that, everyone knows that. We wear it on our sleeve. With red cycling shoes, we did find that’ll save you 20 seconds. These findings have since been published in over 50 scientific academic journals.
The best album to train to for maximum results? Easy. Daft Punk’s Tron soundtrack. You haven’t cycled fast until you have cycled to the Tron soundtrack.
The question people never asked about Lance Armstrong was this “If everyone else was doing it, how did you dominate the sport for so long”. The answer is simple, Nike. We trained and warmed up in only Nike to see if there was an athletic advantage. There is.
We saw massive performance increases by drinking coffee mixed with electrolytes. If you think tapering is key, we are here to tell you that you are wrong, its actually all about stacking, stacking, stacking.
As the race was held in a carpark, in the middle of the CBD, and on a Saturday night – dogs at bike races wasn't that big of a thing. Or maybe it should have, most of us here at Soup Boys HQ aren't dog owners. Nonetheless we allow you to be graced with the angelic presence of its namesake...Instagram user and all round good guy Paddy, sipping on that Merlot and raising the bar in the way of classiness of the entire evening. We are genuinely sorry we had to bring it down a notch by rocking up in moccasins.
VII: POST RACE WALK TO CLOUD 9
Much to everyone's amazement, there was a makeshift trackstand comp held outside to the adoring fans of various King St nightclubs. We suppose somewhat predictably it was Ben X Lehner of Skid.cc and heart throb fame that took the win from all the others, who just seemingly fell by the wayside as they pulled up at the red light. Hmmm...