THE 2018 SOUP BOYS TDU MANIFESTO

 

That time of year. Schoolies on wheels. The Tour Down Under grows year on year, and so does the juggernaut of the Soup Boys Press Clüb. The Victorian chapter of our humble cycling corporation connects with the South Australian chapter for a long, hot week of beers, kilometres, hills and #morebeers. For the fourth year running we would be hitting up Australia’s premier professional cycling race, the third year running our award-winning race reportáge would be getting spat out from the depths of a last minute booked hotel room.

 

I: VENTURING TO NEW TIME ZONES

 

For those that ventured from Melbourne, our 2018 journey only came in two forms. Cam wasn’t in attendance, neither was anybody cooked enough to ride across from Melbourne, so early morning flights or car-based time trials were the two chosen methods. Two wheels would be left to the Adelaide Soup Boys, rolling in from their homes on the Outer Harbour line to join in wetting their whistles.

 
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II: RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

 

Things are a little different this time. In previous years we have worked on delivering you the strongest ever espresso shot of cycling related content, crema and all in your cup at 10am every day. What that involves is staying up until 3am putting it all together, only to get up a few hours later to tap the next day out. Very healthy, and after a few solid years, super enjoyable. Why wouldn’t we just shorten our posts? We’ll we could, but we’d rather not be a copy and paste of CyclingNews, and we know that you’re all much more captivated by us telling you how the Tour Down Under really is. So…

This will be the only post for the week. In it we outline some of the shit that is going down. After the Tour Down Under wraps up, we take a week break to chill, nurse sunburn, rest legs, compile photos and get everything together for you. From there we begin posting recaps day by day, at the much loved 10am time slot. This will allow you to view our work on a big ol’ screen, where the Soup Boys stories were born to be viewed. It will ensure that if you are in Adelaide simultaneously, you won’t miss out on our daily recaps, as we most intimately know, you’re generally out on the road well before then. Finally it ensures that our product, lack of journalistic integrity and all will be of the highest quality it possibly can be.

Between now and then, head to our Instagram where most of the action will be getting broadcast. There will be posts, stories, comments and all kinds of other shit, a lot of which seeps into the real world.

 

III: THE TRADITIONAL WELCOME CORKSCREW

 

Four years ago, after an all-day drive – Adrian and Dean would join their week-long roommates Riley and Ron on what would become the traditional Soup Boys welcome ride. It’s timing has been similar every year as to allow for greater attendance, and to escape the bulk of the days heat, while the route has stayed the same as it has been deemed the perfect introductory ride to newcomers to Adelaide. A perfect combination of a moderate workout mixed with some hectic lighting conditions, this time so eloquently captured by Kip. Supreme.

 
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While not the famed 40ºC corkscrewing of 2016, a hot pace and a block headwind made going a little tougher than it needed to be as we shot into the middle of the hills then back down again. Told that the corkscrew was akin to a 1in20 effort, Mortimer and Slade were given a rude awakening, and a proper ribbing by the baaing sheep up the corkscrew proper.

 
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IV: NAMESAKE MANIFESTO

 

Now that you know when to expect your now not-daily dose of sweet, sweet Soup, you might be wondering what is going to be packaged inside. With an emphasis on the new and wonderful, our real world interaction and engagement with our fans and haters. We will leave a few little surprises but here is what you can expect.

 
 

RAPHA

It wasn’t that long ago that the Soup Boys HQ hotline lit the fuck up on a hot afternoon. It wasn’t Mr Simon Mottram of Rapha, but it was pretty close. In short, for the next week Rapha are dropping us in the middle of it, assigning us to showcase the community in a way that hasn’t been done before, and certainly hasn’t been broadcast through Rapha before. There's gonna be some posts, and worst, or best of all depending on your view, it will involve an Instagram takeover. Weird right? You can spot us chilling by the Rapha Clubhouse on Cannon St now and again, otherwise hit us up via the hotline if you’d like to join us for a spin.

THE REGULARS

Yep, like the inner western suburbs of Melbourne, Adelaide is gentrifying like its in fashion. Which is good news for us, because after last year we were scared that Not-Quite-Broadsheet was going to run out of content. Fortunately we’ve since discovered new gems, or been given proper good recommendations from some of the Adelaide division. To go along with it we’re going to be taking a KOM bucket hat tally, a blue fedora tally, and number of (witnessed) beers consumed tally. Since Cam is absent this year, it might be Alex’s chance to take the title. Finishing off the regulars you’ll have our morning playlists to add to your Spotify accounts, and we’re gonna be on the hunt for some all new places of worship. We’re in the city of churches after all.

HANDBALL WITH THE STARS

He schooled us on the rules but we wiped the floor with Lachy Morton last year. Will he be back for redemption? We’re not entirely sure. What ever the case is, we’re going to be on the hunt for pro’s willing to have a casual chat with us, hopefully agreeing to an intense game of handball at its conclusion. This invitation also extends to the general public. If you see us out there on the street, in our musettes you can expect a fresh tin of Wilson tennis balls and a stick of chalk ready to go. We’re happy to take you on when and where you spot us. Game on!

BEACH RIDE

With such hot days forecast, we’re looking to save our km’s til the cooler hours. As such, a casual beach ride will be going down. Casual in pace, casual in dress code. In advance we recommend some kind of swimming attire, and a stomach prepared for some quintessential beachside cuisine.

EXTRACURRICULARS

We’re going to be exploring more of Adelaide’s cultural offerings. Galleries, museums, social nights, nightclubs. Adelaide is a fantastic destination for more than just ridings bikes, we’ll show you how much more that is.

A BIKE A DAY

As opposed to what’s been done in the past by way of a tech (p)review and analysis, we will also endeavour to bring you insights to various bikes on offer from the Tour Village. This will be a lucky dip as it will be entirely down to the availability from each bike manufacturer, but if there are some reps out there reading this like we know some of you do, now is your chance. We wrote 500 words on a goddamn musette, you’re not gonna get something as in-depth anywhere else.

WORK EXPENSES

Not-Quite-Broadsheet focuses primarily on the first meal of the day. To accompany this popular segment we bring you Work Expenses, in which we hit up some of Adrian’s customers to sample their fine produce. What produce? And how fine is it? You might ask. You’ll have to wait and see.

THE 2018 TOUR DOWN UNDER

Despite how blasé we might seem about everything not to do with the spectacle of professional bicycle racing, fact of the matter is that we wouldn’t really be here in South Australia, for a week, in the ridiculous heat of January. So first, thank you to the Tour Down Under. We hope that what haphazard media coverage we can broadcast out to our audience can only be shown as a suitable amount of gratitude. Think about hooking us up for 2019 tho.

 

V: THE WORLD'S FASTEST KOALA

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Our welcome ride wrapped up back in town in the middle of the twilight crits. The women’s TDU was wrapping up tonight, a tour that had been broadcast incredibly by super talented friend of the squad Caz. For the men it would be their first proper hit out of the week. For us it would be our first pizza night, the semi-traditional Est order going in, consumed on the lawns trackside to a slowly setting sun.

 
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On the track the men were doing the rounds. Spoiler: Caleb Ewan didn’t win, but everyone sure as shit predicted him to. That meant that leaning up against the railing was a little more forced than borne of anticipation and a wagging tongue. That was until Manuele Boaro was spotted in the break. He was rocking that unapologetically "fuck you style" combo of gold, firetruck red, navy and lime green, with wheels named after the concept of going real fast. But the cherry on top? His gold helmet was carrying what was, for at least the evening, the worlds fastest travelling Koala strapped in for the ride. Out in the break on that TV time the UniSA team were driving the pace with some of the BMC guys and Lachy Morton. Hitching a free ride, this Koala, on the 15th January 2018 entered the Guinness book of records for fastest land speed. Chapeau Koala! Chapeau!

 
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