SIMON MOTTRAM’S WISHLIST

 

The other week ripples were sent through the cycling fash community, particularly here in Australia where the shockwaves were a little more pronounced with the closure of the Sydney Clubhouse and the culling of hours at the Melbourne one.

Like they were being guided by a ouija board, Rapha have been doing their best soft rejection, but animosity is spreading like wildfire, more so after the brand ended up on Wiggle days after. It wasn’t until the indominable Caley Fretz, senior editor at CyclingTips buzzed up Rapha-founder Simon Mottram to ask “what the fuck is going on?”.

Man like Simon sent the reader through the rhetoric roundabout, saying a lot of words but not really saying much at all. One thing that did keep getting mentioned was the $200m price tag Rapha had when it was sold to for lack of care and research: Walmart. It all got us thinking, why not take the money and run? What could Simon Mottram better spend his money on? We asked our numerous team group chats – here are the top 5 answers.

 

 

Buy 100 Koenigsegg Agera’s

Fastest car in the world? As if you wouldn’t spent the money this way. Max out the paint job offerings and don’t worry about and scratches, dents or write offs, as you’ve got nearly a lifetimes supply of Swedish supercar sitting at home. Maybe scale back the fleet if you don’t have the space already.

 
 
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Buy or bailout Sicily

Okay so maybe not Sicily – the debt of the island itself is beyond saving even from Elon, but Simon could go a long way to helping out the city of Palermo – currently 500 million euros in debt. Why Palermo? Obviously Simon has a penchant for light pink, and what better way to pick a city to bail out that one who proudly sports the colour on the football field.

 
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A cabin in the woods to hotbox with Floyd Landis

No doubt running a company like Rapha would be stressful work, and having built it from the ground up to what it is today, as far as we’re concerned Simon deserves a break from it all. What better way to escape the hustle and bustle of corporate life than by pairing up with one of cycling’s anti-heroes in Floyd Landis. Find yourself a cabin in the Rocky Mountain wilderness, grab a big bag of that fresh good good and spend a few months to a year recording a podcast, writing and recording an album, or writing the memoir, telling the secrets of the Rapha x Walmart deal.

 
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Buy 69 S-Works Shiv’s

For years now nothing has screamed cycling gratuitousness like the purchase of a top level Shiv to ride in anger once a year. Become the envy of every aspiring TT Lawyer Dad and IM Doctor Bro by grabbing a fleet of the latest and greatest, plenty of play money left over to fly yourself to Kona every second weekend.

 
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Buy Sears

Why not really stick it to Walmart and buy fledgling rival Sears. They’re on the cusp of bankruptcy, closing shops left right and centre, and if Simon is keen on sticking around like his constant popping up out of nowhere suggests, what better way to do it than buy a rival company and rebuild it from the ground up. The ultimate “fuck you”.

 
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Got any other ideas? Ever dreamt of building a brand, selling it then watching it crash and burn in real time, only your pocket is $200m heavier? Help us add to the list.

 
 
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